What the Alpha Instructor explained and demonstrated

What the Key Slacker heard and pulled off

Easy Seat

sit on the floor cross-legged as comfortably as youcan with a tall spine.

Block Under Butt

This is where the breathing work starts.  You got this. 4x4 Yoga Breathing will increase your lung capacity better than if you ran a mile and who wants to run a mile.

Garland

stand with your feet hips width apart, heels in, toes out. Bend your knees to lower all the way down to a deep squat and keep your hands at heart center. Press elbows into the knees to open up the hips.

Squatty Potty Pose

The suggested pose kills my knees.  Sitting on a block is better than the other modification. Just squatting down as much as you can is not a good look.

Try not to fall

As slackers get older, falling becomes a problem.  I am showing one foot on a block, but you can also put your foot under your knee.  The instructor might suggest moving your arms, but you can ignore her.

Tree pose

stand firmly on your right foot, take the left foot to the inner right leg. It can land on the inside of the right ankle, shin, or upper thigh.

Warrior I

 Start in mountain pose, bend the right knee as you step the left foot back at a 45-degree angle. The right knee should be stacked over the right ankle. Press the outside edge of your left foot into the floor. Try to square your chest to the front. Raise your arms to the sky and gaze forward. 

Macho Man

You might be a slacker but in your mind, you are a warrior.  Hit this pose like you are going into battle.  The way I am holding my hands might suggest, “please don’t kill me” but it is easier than putting my arms up

Triangle pose

step your left foot back to create a wide base with toes pointing out. Both legs stay straight. Right arm will reach down to the earth as the left arm reaches up to the sky. Stack your shoulders. Gaze to the top hand.

Side Tipsy

Ok the instructor has a straight leg and arm high.  I bring the ground up to me with a block, get close to a straight leg and my arm is as high as I can go.  Deal with it.

Warrior III

stand firmly on your right foot and reach the arms overhead. Hover your left foot off the floor. As you lean your chest forward an inch, lift the left leg an inch while keeping it straight. Keep doing this until the chest and leg are close to parallel to the ground.

What the Hell

No warrior is going into a battle with this pose. Just to make the instructor feel good do the best you can. Bend over as much as you can.  I also will use a block to rest my hand on to help with my balance.

Downward Facing Dog

start in a plank position with shoulders stacked over your wrists. Take your hips up and back until you create an upside down “V”. Press your pointer fingers and thumbs into the mat so you stay lighton the wrists. Keep the arms and legs straight as you drive the heels down towards the earth.

Butts Up

This is not as bad as it looks.  With knees slightly bent and heels never touching the floor, it can be done. You will need to get used to this as it is the most recuring theme of all poses.

Seated twist

sit on the floor, extend the right leg forward. Plant your left foot outside of the right knee. Take the right elbow outside of the left knee, left hand behind the hip to twist to the left. Gaze over the left shoulder.

Who is There

This is one of the most beneficial poses.  As a slacker you use your mirrors to see who is behind you when you drive.  After a month or so of this pose you will be able to turn your head and see that jerk back there for yourself.

Extended Hand-to-Big-Toe

stand tall and bend your right knee to your chest. Take your right peace fingers around your right big toe. Extend the right leg forward while keeping the shoulders stacked over your hips. Bend the right knee as much as you need to keep the spine straight. Slight micro bend into the left knee to avoid locking out the knee joint. Left hand can stay on the hip or extend it out to the side for counterbalance.

Don’t be Ridiculous

There is no way you are going to do this pose in your lifetime. Remember falling down is bad and practicing balance is good.  Pull your knee up. Try not to fall.  If you do just come back to your mat and give it another, try.  You will get better.

Child’s pose

bring knees out wide on the floor, toes touch, sink your hips down towards your heels as you extend your arms forward. Relax your chest and forehead down towards the mat.

Thank God, I get to rest

There are two child poses.  Narrow knee and wide knee positions.  For guys I would recommend the wide knee pose.  We have more stuff in the middle than women do.  Before your minds jumps to the gutter, I am talking about your belly.  You are a slacker.  You have one.

Standing forward fold

from mountain pose (standing tall at attention), hinge at your hips and fold your chest over your thighs. Hands do not have to touch the toes. Hands can land on top of the shins, ankle, toes, floor. Lengthen the spine towards the earth. Relax head and neck.

Dream of touching your toes

At first if your hands make it to you shins you’re doing great. Legs do not have to be straight but close is good.

Seated forward fold

sit comfortably with both legs extended in front of you. Flex your quads as you inhale, reach your arms over head, on your exhale, fold your chest over your thighs.

Toe Tugs

Welcome to your strap.  It is your second-best buddy behind the block to get you through your poses.  Laso your feet and pull them toward you.  Don’t look around and see everyone else touching their noses to their knees.  That day will never come for you.

Side plank

start in a plank pose with shoulders stacked over wrists. Shift your heels to the right, lift the left arm to line up with the right arm. Don’t let the hips sag!

Hello

This is an easy one. Drop your knee for a brace.  If you would like to show off, you can even  lift your back leg like you are peeing on a tree.

Half pigeon

start by sitting on the ground and bend your right knee forward as you extend your left leg back. Melt the chest down over the right shin.

Danger

This modification is no where near to what the instructor suggested.  Anything called pigeon is dangerous. It hurts my knee.  There is no getting hurt in yoga.  If anything is uncomfortable, back off and live another day.

Wide-legged forward fold

bring your feet wide apart, hinge at your hips as you fold down and wrap your peace fingers around your big toes. Crown of the heads reaches down to the earth.

Groin stretch

Groin injuries are common for men. They take forever to heal, and no one is going to massage it for you.  It is better if you just do light stretching before you endure the shame of a full blown pull.

Here I am showing how to bring the earth closer to you with a block.

Twisted chair

from standing, come into chair pose by bending the knees and sending the hips back. Bring hands at heart center, twist to the right side, open up the arms.

Ski season is coming

I like this pose as it engages my thigh muscles.  Ski season is coming and building up the thighs is a good thing.  Praying for snow is the most important part of this pose.

Half Moon

from mountain pose (standing at attention, start to come into your Warrior III, then stack your right hip over your left. Extend your arms out wide so you can stack the shoulders on top of one another.

Twisty balance

Again no falling, block to help balance, leg up like peeing on a tree and arm as high as it will go.  Unfortunately, they have a tendency to hold this pose for too long.

Peacock

this is an arm balance. Bring your palms to the ground, fingers pointing out to the sides. Bring your elbows close to one another and engage your core so your navel will rest on top of the elbows.Shift your weight forward so the legs can come up off the floor.

Tap Out

Anytime the instructor is suggesting a pose that you don’t play with just hit Child’s pose and return to the class after they quit screwing around. Child pose means NO! It is your safe space.

The take away from these modifications is, no one is looking at you. No one is judging you. Your new Yoga buddies are doing them and you are doing you.

As shitty as the Key Slacker’s poses are, every instuctor was just glad he showed up and he was honoring his body and doing what he could do.

They will be glad when you show up.